‘Stubborn’ is a word some people would use to describe me, I can be my own worst enemy. When I decide I’m doing something I’m doing it now not later. I’m impulsive at times and I’m impatient always. Being capable and able to do everything is important to me, I want my independence and to look after myself. It has become slowly more and more apparent that i will have to give up some of my stubborn ways. I need more help than im happy to accept and i am struggling more than i would like to admit most days and honestly it sucks.
It’s harder than i ever thought it would be to accept my limitations and any new struggle highlights the kind of future i may have.
Having a chronic illness has taken my career away, my confidence, my independence and my self worth but it has given me insight, determination and stubborness. It doesn’t tip the scales, I haven’t gained more than I have lost. I will try to see the good in all of it and I’m sure I will eventually. I’m not bitter not at all, I’m just sad. I love my family and i love my work, i dont have the energy for them both a lot of the time lately. There are big and small things I want to do and it doesn’t always feel fair that I can’t or don’t feel able to do them.
Sometimes I feel like pain runs my life it’s almost as though it defines me. It decides more of my life than I do and it decides where I go how much I can do. It’s a control freak, a master of manipulation it’s my worst enemy.
So I’m going to give in a little and accept some help, I’ll listen when I’m told I’m doing too much and I’ll try to stop being so stubborn. Instead of running backwards and forwards trying to prove I’m contributing to society I will try to enjoy my family more. It’s not giving up or giving in it’s more like accepting changes and finding peace with that.