Life throws me curveballs all the time and Im proud to say most of the time I step up and do what ever I need to do but lately it seems much harder, the pressure much heavier. I hate making decisions, being a grown up is hard at times.

I had thumb joint fusion surgery in November and the surgeon believes I am allergic to the metal in the plate or screws they have put inside me. This means having another surgery to remove the metal sometime in the next few months and hope that the bones are fused enough without the metal. The idea of going through the surgery again frustrates me hugely it has been painful and frustrating. The problem is that I am due to have trial Sacral Neuromodualtion surgery in January before a permanent surgery to fit the permanant device in a few months. Now I am unsure if I will be allergic to the battery I will have implanted after the trial surgery in the permanant surgery. This is an example of what the surgery is.

If I dont have this surgery I will have to use catheters for the rest of my life. I can have botox every 6 months but the risk is I will have to use more cathters than I do now. The best chance for me is Sacral Nerve Stimulation it has a 70% success rate and has been a miracle for some people.

I don’t want to have to take these kind of decisions, I have held on to this surgery as the best possible solution to the painful spasms I have everyday in my bladder and the end of having to use catheters every day. My future without this surgery is bladder incontinence, constant bladder infections, possible kidney damage, pain and a permanant catheter. So yes I want this surgery, I want to give this a chance. So I am trying to decide whether to risk having another piece of metal implanted into my body that I could be allergic to. It’s a risk but the rewards could be amazing, I wish someone could make this decision for me . I wish I could pass the choices on to someone else and let them take responsibility for whatever happens.

Because knowing you will only have yourself to blame if something goes wrong is a feeling that sucks! But doing nothing and wondering if you passed up a chance to make things better sucks too.

I want to be free of the feeling of anxiety that comes with making these choices, its not going to happen though. So I’m going to make the choice and be responsible for whatever the outcome is because if there is a chance I can be better even a small one then I have to give it serious consideration. Like I said being a grown up is hard and this is a decision I have to make alone, with support but still alone.