Feeling the Fear Decrease

For almost 3 years I have spent so much of my time worrying about what people think in regards to Robyn and her choice to live as a girl. I have struggled harder than I could explain to anyone with the fear of judgment and blame. I have always been supportive of her and understood that this is who she is and that she hasn’t changed, she is still my funny little child. She is still Robyn through and through, she still loves Dr Who and being bossy. I never felt like some parents do that I had lost my son, I didnt feel like I gained a daughter either because Robyn was still Robyn. All I ever felt was fear, fear of other peoples reactions, fear of her future just worry after worry.

Yesterday something happened, I sat in a school assembly and watched Robyn get an award for her huge improvement in English. She has been behind in education her entire life due to Dyspraxia, she has always worked extrememly hard and never given up when she found things difficult. Yesterday I was told she has passed a mock SATS exam in reading. This is huge, 6 months ago we didn’t think she would even take her SATS exams as she was expected to fail them. Since moving school and feeling more accepted and comfortable she has made huge leaps in her education. I am happy to know I made the right decision for her when she asked to move schools.

This was a lightbulb moment for me, maybe this is what she needed all along. She is thriving so much more now she is confortable in her gender expression. So I felt a sense of peace with the fear, I know it will still be there and I will always worry about her future as a transgender person but I am choosing not to worry as much about what other people think. Watching your child thrive is all a parent could wish for, yesterday gave me a new attitude towards the fear of being judged and blamed.

All that matters is that she is happy and comfortable, when i look at her happy little face it reminds me we are doing the right thing. How can making your child happy be wrong. How can letting her feel comfortable in the skin she is in be a bad thing. I will balance my fear against her happiness and I know which one will always come out on top from now on.

 

 

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