I want to go back, back to when life was simpler. To when I didn’t feel so much pain and didn’t feel so sad. Back to when I didn’t feel so worried all the time, when we didn’t get letters from hospital appointments all the time. When we didnt need to make physio and doctors and hospital appointments, When I didn’t feel so separate from other people, I don’t know how to change this. I really hoped things would get better but they aren’t. Getting out of bed is hard when you know you have to face a day in pain and worrying about what is going to come in the post.
There are a handful of people in my life keeping me sane, they are the ones who make me remember why I’m still trying to do things. The smallest things they do mean everything to me right now, I don’t think I could explain how important those people are. My life and my capabilities have changed a lot lately, i am unable to work as I am in too much pain and exhausted and dizzy. I feel like I’m losing more and more of the person I used to be. I am so grateful for what I have so please don’t mistake my sadness for anything other than being so tired of worrying. I have so much to be happy and thankful for but I’m struggling.
I wonder if I can get used to who I’m becoming and if I can enjoy my life in the same way. So much of my self worth is tied up in the idea of working even as a volunteer. I don’t even know why I’m writing this anymore, I think I’m tired and sad and confused about what path my life is taking. I need to give over control to whatever is going to happen, things will either stay the same or get better. I have never written this blog for sympathy as I have said many times its for me and for others to read and to not feel alone in how they are feeling.
I do have hope that my brain will catch up with the rest of me soon. I have so many wonderful people in my life I am lucky. Unfortunately it’s true that at times we pay more attention to the 1 or 2 negative people instead of the many positive supportive people in our lives. I want to be less snappy and more positive, I want to enjoy Christmas with my little family. I’m going to make an effort to enjoy things and see the positive in everything because I don’t want to carry on this way. My aim for the next few weeks is to enjoy my family and friends and try to remember that worrying won’t change anything and that it’s okay that I’m not feeling happy because things will change.