There are times like tonight when i cannot begin to describe the pain I am feeling. The throbbing pain from my hips to my knees is almost unbearable, I can’t sleep it hurts to move, it hurts to not move. I am not looking for sympathy in any way as it won’t help. I just wish sometimes I could explain what the white hot burning pain feels like and how never ending it can feel. I am lucky I know that, I can take strong enough pain killers to take the edge off this pain, I know others who don’t even get that relief. I feel like pain is a part of who I am and I wish it wasn’t. I am never pain free but there are times like now that it seems like it is too much to take and there are no words for how this feels. I probably talk about my pain too much, when something is there all day everyday it becomes such a part of your life you don’t even realise it’s taking over. Pain makes you moody, it makes you tired, it stops you enjoying your family and friends the way you should.
I have read about people with chronic pain who push everyone away because of their moods and I never really understood it. Never understood how you could when you need people the most push them away. It’s clearer to me now, when it really hurts you don’t want to talk or laugh or be awake, everything just feels so hard and takes up so much of the energy you have left. I understand now how it happens, I know I am lucky I have so many people in my life. Pain slowly or quickly creeps it’s way into every part of your life, it quietly erodes your confidence, your happiness and your relationships if you don’t get help. It’s easy to say this but hard to do.
Pain has changed me in some ways, it changed my career path, my mobility, my future and my family life. So I’m going to change all of these things to work around pain. I know pain isn’t going to leave so I’ll work around it and on nights like this I will cry over the unfairness of it and then I will carry on. I’m lucky, I know this because I can see past pain and while this may not always be true for now it is enough.
I see and probably share pictures with ‘inspirational’ quotes about pain making you stronger or it ‘making you who you are today’. For the most part on a lot of days I believe in these things, but tonight at 1:08 am those quotes piss me off. How can this be character building or make me a stronger person when I have never felt so weak and helpless in my life. I know I will wake up and believe things will be better but in the dead of the night it’s hard to see the light of tomorrow.
That’s enough waffling on feeling sorry for myself now. This writing is very therapeutic for me so if I had be bored you to sleep with my ramblings I apologise.